I fell out of love with someone I though was my soulmate..
What can I do now?
This seems to be a common problem arising in marriages and long term relationships - but there is a solution.
An old couple was once asked what the secret of their long marriage was and they responded: “We never fell out of love at the same time.”
So how do get back into love?
I believe love is not only a noun and a feeling but also a verb. I sometimes get pushback on this but you will agree that someone who feels love will express it and show certain behaviors that will make their partner feel loved.
Love also means unconditional appreciation. You can do a lot of mean things to someone who loves you and they will still love you. Most people don’t do that on purpose, but some even do it to prove that they are being loved.
There is just one problem.
Love doesn’t mean unconditional appreciation FOREVER. If the loving person is treated bad = unlovingly over an extended period of time then love fades.
If a loving person doesn’t express the love they feel, love can fade from the inside, too.
So if you or your partner fall out of love you can do something. Or even better: do those things BEFORE anyone falls out of love.
Here are some ideas:
❤️ Show appreciation. In a way that is meaningful to your partner. The 5 love languages can be a good guideline.
Better yet, ask your partner what things that you do do they appreciate. If they tell you what you “should” do, listen carefully and acknowledge.
Then ask again what things you DO do, do they appreciate. This works three fold:
- You can do those things more often
- They may notice those things more readily
- You feel good about doing those things even if you don’t get recognition every single time.
❤️ Show gratitude for what they do instead of nagging about what they don’t do
❤️ Make them happy. There are people out there, especially in the personal development world that say “your and your partner’s happiness are separate and everyone needs to care for their own happiness.”
While it’s true that you are responsible for your happiness, you do make your partner feel things and so do they make you feel things.
Need proof: If you enter the kitchen to wash the dishes and they’re done already, you feel something. When you enter a cluttered kitchen that your partner promised to clean you will feel something different. That happens instantaneously, unconsciously. It’s not a choice.
Sure you can then work with and manage your emotions but that first emotion is not chosen.
So do things that you know they appreciate and make them as happy as you can.
Need more ideas?
- Initiate shared activities
- Make food
- Bring food
- Initiate date nights and don’t stop even if they refuse a few times
- Hug, even if it feels awkward at first until it feels normal again.
- Make them laugh
- Do chores and run errands for them
- Initiate sex and set expectations so that you’re not disappointed if they are not open for it
- Offer true choices. A true choice is one where neither decision will result in repercussions nor sarcastic/ cynical/ frustrated remarks nor shutting down. A true choice is one where either decision is appreciated. It doesn’t mean that you have to pretend that you don’t have a preference
- Ask in a way that makes it likely that your desire gets fulfilled: “would you be so kind to…” “do you want to…” “would it be possible for you to…” “It would mean a lot to me if you could…”
- Have sex even if your preference in that moment would be to do something else
None of this works or you have a hard time implementing it? Send me a message.